Have Courage and Be Kind

On this day five years ago I was working instead of going to prom as a high school senior. I know this might seem lame and like it wouldn't matter in the long run but thinking back, it did matter and it hurt. 

I am the embodiment of the phrase "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride," except I'm usually just sent a wedding announcement and that's it. I don't think I'm a particularly great person but I also don't think I ever deserved the bullying that used to happen to me. This wasn't you average "bullied by people who don't know you" know you kind of bullying, these were all the actions of my friends. People who I trusted with everything I had. People who said they were there for me and then left me out to dry when it was important. I wouldn't dare say this is worse than being tormented by someone you don't know, but it really didn't feel good. To this day I am still trying to cover up those scars. 

Maybe this is why I'm so guarded, maybe I'm just naturally this way, but I know that the bullying that happened when I was younger was unacceptable. I feel things and keep them locked up because I've learned that most people don't want to listen to you because they want you to listen to them. I can count on one hand the number of people I have in my life who really listen to me. That's a problem. If we are going to be successful and giving actors, we need to listen to each other even though we've memorized our lines. It can be uncomfortable to be in the moment, but doing the work will allow for genuine moments of discovery and connection that cannot be fabricated when simply waiting for the next line. 

My Dog Smudge

For the sake of my sanity I have decided to write about something that is personal to me. 

My dog is being put down today and I'm not okay. I don't like crying publicly or even in private, but I've done both today. It's one thing when your grandparents die as mine have, but quite another when someone or something close to you is put down. She was the best dog in the universe and I don't mean that to be cliché because it's the absolute truth. She didn't have a hateful or vindictive bone in her body. The worst part for me is that I didn't get to say goodbye. She was there for me in some of the darkest times of my life and I didn't get to hold her or kiss her sweet head one last time. 

The only thing I can do at this point is cry and feel things I hate feeling. 

I don't know what to do with myself right now but listen to music and hope that I stop feeling sad. 

Oddly enough, music isn't really making anything hurt less. All I'm able to do at this point is hear lyrics and chord progressions that describe how I'm feeling and feel worse. I'm hoping that by recording this moment I'll be reminded of how important it is to not dream of tomorrow so I sacrifice the here and now.

Still, it hurts to breathe. Everything seems wrong and it kills me to think that there are people out there who are having the time of their life. It's easy to slip into despair but I believe it's free okay to feel. Too many people write off despair as an unacceptable feeling, but if you never let yourself feel you lose part of your humanity. My problem is that I feel too much and keep it all inside. I rarely allow a feeling to completely overtake my being, but today I was the embodiment of grief. 

Sometimes There's God So Quickly

As A Streetcar Named Desire gets closer to closing, I've started to reflect on what theatre does for me personally. I am the person I'm supposed to be because of everyone and everything Theatre has brought to me. I have never felt more accepted or loved than when I am in the theatre. Even if nobody comes to shows I do, I still have the family I chose for myself. 

I know that there are some people are now a part of my life that I feel closer to than members of my family. This is because we're allowed to feel together. People in this department have seen me completely fall apart more often than members of my family. We are in a place where emotions are okay- where tears and laughter can exist in the same space and nobody will think you are weak for opening up. 

All I know is that in this moment, I feel closer to my best self than I have in a long time. I love who I'm becoming and will forever be indebted to the people who hold onto me when I cry and sit with me until I'm calm. These are the same people that are there when I don't realize I need someone. Blanche DuBois had it exactly right when she said, "Sometimes there's God so quickly."

Sometimes

Sometimes things happen in your life that remind you of who you are meant to be. Sometimes these things happen in completely unforeseeable ways. 

I won't go into much detail about what happened or when it happened, but I've found that there is no place I'd rather be right now than where I'm at. I can't completely define what it is I want to do with my life but I know without a shadow of doubt that it has to be theatre. Yes I'm always tired, and yes I sometimes get so frustrated I cry but I don't want another life. It's not about trying to run from my inclination toward theatre anymore. Now, it's about figuring out where I fit into this industry. Everything I love about life is brought to me by theatre. I have never felt closer to perfection than when I am experiencing the art of live performance in all its stages. 

I get down on myself almost every second of the day, but I know I am completely at peace when I'm involved with theatre. I have always been about finding inner peace and bringing positive energy into my surroundings, but I've never realized that my ultimate peace comes with theatre. So now it's just a matter of figuring out how I can always surround myself with this thing that makes my heart full. 

I Have Social Anxiety

Yes. I have some pretty bad social anxiety issues that theatre has done a tremendous amount to ease. I am used and like to be alone most of the time and try very hard to go unnoticed unless the situation calls for more than just my physical presence. According to the Myers-Briggs personalit types, I am an INTJ. Apparently this is a rare outcome but who really wants to be normal? You can learn more about what this means here:

http://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

It is difficult to accept compliments especially when you aren't used to or comfortable with being noticed. I know there are many people who take compliments graciously, but I have had to come up with ways to accept compliments without feeling selfish. The problem with simply not accepting compliments is that you then become ungrateful. I'm here to say that this is not the case. 

When someone says they think I'm talented or good at something, my insides want to drop out of the bottom of my feet. I've never been completely sure of why this is, but nevertheless I have recently been forced to come up with an automatic response to positive feedback. Part of this is to give the other person a smile that communicates how grateful I am they took time out of their life to compliment me of their own accord. My hope is that they never see how completely uncomfortable I am. 

I will likely always struggle with this, but it gets admitadly easier every time to pretend like I'm not wanting to run away from the person complimenting me. 

Only Time Will Tell

As performers it can be easy to believe that we are no good because we can't immediately see our progress. I know that if I'm working on a monologue and I'm not getting it to where I want it to be, I'll get frustrated and compare myself to people like Philip Seymour Hoffman or Maryl Streep and wonder why I even try. Other times I'll do well and think "I could do that" while watching Bryan Cranston tear it up on screen. 

I've therefor decided to take some time and work (in a theater) and then decide whether to go to grad school for performance or stage management. There are just too many things I love to do so I think working in the professional world for a time will help me figure things out. I know that it's okay to not know, but I don't want to get into something that I'm not 100% sure of. 

Streetcar

I've been thinking about what I said in my last post quite a bit. I'm still not certain if I'll perform after I graduate, but I do know that I love music and theatre more than most anything else in my life. Take being cast in A Streetcar Named Desire for example: I thought that never in a million years I could actually be cast in a straight play I loved that much. But I was, and to sing no less. It's a beautiful opportunity to showcase my voice in a play I adore. What I've found is that I love the process of creating art almost more than the product. This could be because I like looking forward to things, but it could also be due to my fascination with human possiblity. There is nowhere I'd rather be on a Friday night than in rehearsal going through the motions of creating art with my peers. 

That being said, it is highly possible that I am either meant for small bit parts or being an ASM. Or both. Both is always possible. 

I'm just hoping that I can at least kind of figure it out by the time I have to become a full blown adult with a job in a year. 

Exhaustion

It has been some time since I've posted about things. My brother and I have not had to do our duet since the last post, but I continue to work on my part. I am also in a strange place where I am beginning to question myself as far as my future goes. I am not sure I want to continue performing after I graduate. As strange as that might seem, I have been overwhelmed with confusion and frustration concerning my performances. I am much more confident than I have ever previously been but there are many times when I think, "I don't want to do this anymore" and I don't know what to do with those thoughts. 

It is not a matter of being good enough, it's a lack of performance outside of classroom settings that is getting me down. I don't blame anybody but myself for this. I suppose I'm simply very bogged down by a lot of things going on in my life that I truly cannot afford to cut out. I look forward to the day I do not have to focus all my energy in ten different directions. 

Here's to hoping I get some sort of answer by the end of my time with A Streetcar Named Desire. 

"We Can Do It": A Reflection

    After performing "We Can Do It" from The Producers with my brother, I feel that I have let myself down. I tried singing in a way that I was unsure of and ended up not giving a good performance in my eyes. I love The Producers as a show and will not likely play Max Bialystock at any point in my life- though I have played the Wolf from Into the Woods, so who actually knows what might happen. This is theatre after all.
    After practicing the song in a different way for almost a week now, I am hoping to redeem myself. I care about the opinions of my peers and professors, but I care most about my opinion of what I do and I wish that I could go back to last Friday and do the performance differently. This level of regret doesn't come often to me, but when it does I take it very seriously, and this means beating myself up for days- sometimes weeks. I understand that this is not conducive to improving my craft, but I can't help feeling this way. Be assured that I am working on cutting down the time I feel bad about messing up a performance, however I'm not to the point where I can mess up and leave the bad energy behind once I'm done with the experience.
    That being said, I will do what I've been practicing tomorrow in hopes that I will feel a bit better. I've decided to go with more still energy instead of moving around like a cartoon character. I have also decided to belt and use a more legit sound when going up to the higher notes. Interestingly enough, I haven't found any women performing this duet as either part so this could be a sign I'm doing something unforgivable by the gods of theatre. Only tomorrow will tell.

"The Story" of Rock Musical/Top 40 Pick

    This has been one of the most difficult songs I've had to pick out. I know a lot of songs from all different genres so I can come up with a song that fits the audition I'm attending. Lately though, I've been steering away from rock and listening to more indie artists, so finding a song to audition for something like Once would be easy for me. I recognize now that there will likely be auditions that require me to sing classic rock-type songs. 

    So I didn't know where to start, really. I knew that for a top 40 tune I could do "Halo" by Beyoncé or "Hiding My Heart" in the style of Adele... anything Adele, really, but I'm sure casting directors are tired of hearing her songs. The thing is that "Hiding My Heart" is originally sung by Brandi Carlile and so I went to my iPhone and looked up any other music I had by her. The only other song I had was "The Story" and so I re-listened to it, hoping that it might work. 

    It was perfect. 

    The line where she sings "All of these lines across my face" and almost breaks on the word "lines" is so raw and so touching, and that is how I knew that this is my token rock song. Melinda said that rock is about feeling the music and the words and not necessarily about creating a prefect or beautiful sound. This reminded me of when Brad Carroll was teaching me how to belt, and said something to the effect of, "You know how to sing so you don't have to worry about that. What you need to worry about now is the character behind the song." Both of those things have helped me practice my song.       Now my only hope is that if I crack, it's as endearing as when Brandi almost does it.

Who Are You Now?

I am an INTJ personality type which means that I am extremely internal with everything. Most of the preparation I do for things is by myself and very thought out. What I have come to find is that the less I depend on a micro-organized plan for performance the better my performance becomes.
I recognize that it is good that I plan, but I really only need to plan who I'm talking to and depend on my words to reach my goal. The words inform my actions. I suppose that this also qualifies as having a tactic, but for me it's just part of the performance.
Things to incorporate: Stay in mixed, and when tilting to chest, go opera.

What I Found Out...

I am so much more comfortable in a zany character than I am as myself. I hate being vulnerable. This will likely come to light when I sing next class, but today I found out that it's completely okay to be a character in this era. Melinda really helped me key into the full potential of "'Murder,' He Says" today. I had everything I was supposed to have in mind ready in case I was asked about intention, but I found that I needed to just let it all go and feel the song. It's jazz. That's what jazz is about. I just had trouble finding my character in the song. I found a good example of being nasal-y but using it to your character's advantage.
This is Christina Saffran singing off key and nasal-y, but still perfect for her character:

"Murder," He Says

I'm going to be completely honest: while I was thrilled to find "To Keep My Love Alive," deep down I wanted to perform "'Murder,' He Says" from the film "Happy Go Lucky." This song was written by Jimmy McHugh and Frank Loesser, one of whom is one of my favorite song writers of all-time (Frank Loesser).
Being a jazz tune, I feel much more at home singing the crap out of it and not being shy. That's my main issue when it comes to performance: being shy. Jazz helps me leave everything behind me and just feel the music. This is why I gravitate more toward performers like Ella Fitzgerald and Nina Simone. I'm looking forward to bringing the sass next Wednesday.

"To Keep My Love Alive"- A Connecticut Yankee

I am very pleased I found this song. Pre-1943 musicals are not exactly my favorite, but it's always good to do things with which you're not comfortable. This is honestly the first song I came across that I felt I could enjoy singing from this era. Ballads are always more easily found as far as I'm concerned so finding a more uptempo song that is also quirky was nothing short of thrilling. I am now learning the song and am anticipating a fun performance of it next Wednesday!