Have Courage and Be Kind

On this day five years ago I was working instead of going to prom as a high school senior. I know this might seem lame and like it wouldn't matter in the long run but thinking back, it did matter and it hurt. 

I am the embodiment of the phrase "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride," except I'm usually just sent a wedding announcement and that's it. I don't think I'm a particularly great person but I also don't think I ever deserved the bullying that used to happen to me. This wasn't you average "bullied by people who don't know you" know you kind of bullying, these were all the actions of my friends. People who I trusted with everything I had. People who said they were there for me and then left me out to dry when it was important. I wouldn't dare say this is worse than being tormented by someone you don't know, but it really didn't feel good. To this day I am still trying to cover up those scars. 

Maybe this is why I'm so guarded, maybe I'm just naturally this way, but I know that the bullying that happened when I was younger was unacceptable. I feel things and keep them locked up because I've learned that most people don't want to listen to you because they want you to listen to them. I can count on one hand the number of people I have in my life who really listen to me. That's a problem. If we are going to be successful and giving actors, we need to listen to each other even though we've memorized our lines. It can be uncomfortable to be in the moment, but doing the work will allow for genuine moments of discovery and connection that cannot be fabricated when simply waiting for the next line. 

My Dog Smudge

For the sake of my sanity I have decided to write about something that is personal to me. 

My dog is being put down today and I'm not okay. I don't like crying publicly or even in private, but I've done both today. It's one thing when your grandparents die as mine have, but quite another when someone or something close to you is put down. She was the best dog in the universe and I don't mean that to be cliché because it's the absolute truth. She didn't have a hateful or vindictive bone in her body. The worst part for me is that I didn't get to say goodbye. She was there for me in some of the darkest times of my life and I didn't get to hold her or kiss her sweet head one last time. 

The only thing I can do at this point is cry and feel things I hate feeling. 

I don't know what to do with myself right now but listen to music and hope that I stop feeling sad. 

Oddly enough, music isn't really making anything hurt less. All I'm able to do at this point is hear lyrics and chord progressions that describe how I'm feeling and feel worse. I'm hoping that by recording this moment I'll be reminded of how important it is to not dream of tomorrow so I sacrifice the here and now.

Still, it hurts to breathe. Everything seems wrong and it kills me to think that there are people out there who are having the time of their life. It's easy to slip into despair but I believe it's free okay to feel. Too many people write off despair as an unacceptable feeling, but if you never let yourself feel you lose part of your humanity. My problem is that I feel too much and keep it all inside. I rarely allow a feeling to completely overtake my being, but today I was the embodiment of grief. 

Sometimes There's God So Quickly

As A Streetcar Named Desire gets closer to closing, I've started to reflect on what theatre does for me personally. I am the person I'm supposed to be because of everyone and everything Theatre has brought to me. I have never felt more accepted or loved than when I am in the theatre. Even if nobody comes to shows I do, I still have the family I chose for myself. 

I know that there are some people are now a part of my life that I feel closer to than members of my family. This is because we're allowed to feel together. People in this department have seen me completely fall apart more often than members of my family. We are in a place where emotions are okay- where tears and laughter can exist in the same space and nobody will think you are weak for opening up. 

All I know is that in this moment, I feel closer to my best self than I have in a long time. I love who I'm becoming and will forever be indebted to the people who hold onto me when I cry and sit with me until I'm calm. These are the same people that are there when I don't realize I need someone. Blanche DuBois had it exactly right when she said, "Sometimes there's God so quickly."

Sometimes

Sometimes things happen in your life that remind you of who you are meant to be. Sometimes these things happen in completely unforeseeable ways. 

I won't go into much detail about what happened or when it happened, but I've found that there is no place I'd rather be right now than where I'm at. I can't completely define what it is I want to do with my life but I know without a shadow of doubt that it has to be theatre. Yes I'm always tired, and yes I sometimes get so frustrated I cry but I don't want another life. It's not about trying to run from my inclination toward theatre anymore. Now, it's about figuring out where I fit into this industry. Everything I love about life is brought to me by theatre. I have never felt closer to perfection than when I am experiencing the art of live performance in all its stages. 

I get down on myself almost every second of the day, but I know I am completely at peace when I'm involved with theatre. I have always been about finding inner peace and bringing positive energy into my surroundings, but I've never realized that my ultimate peace comes with theatre. So now it's just a matter of figuring out how I can always surround myself with this thing that makes my heart full. 

I Have Social Anxiety

Yes. I have some pretty bad social anxiety issues that theatre has done a tremendous amount to ease. I am used and like to be alone most of the time and try very hard to go unnoticed unless the situation calls for more than just my physical presence. According to the Myers-Briggs personalit types, I am an INTJ. Apparently this is a rare outcome but who really wants to be normal? You can learn more about what this means here:

http://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

It is difficult to accept compliments especially when you aren't used to or comfortable with being noticed. I know there are many people who take compliments graciously, but I have had to come up with ways to accept compliments without feeling selfish. The problem with simply not accepting compliments is that you then become ungrateful. I'm here to say that this is not the case. 

When someone says they think I'm talented or good at something, my insides want to drop out of the bottom of my feet. I've never been completely sure of why this is, but nevertheless I have recently been forced to come up with an automatic response to positive feedback. Part of this is to give the other person a smile that communicates how grateful I am they took time out of their life to compliment me of their own accord. My hope is that they never see how completely uncomfortable I am. 

I will likely always struggle with this, but it gets admitadly easier every time to pretend like I'm not wanting to run away from the person complimenting me.