My dog is being put down today and I'm not okay. I don't like crying publicly or even in private, but I've done both today. It's one thing when your grandparents die as mine have, but quite another when someone or something close to you is put down. She was the best dog in the universe and I don't mean that to be cliché because it's the absolute truth. She didn't have a hateful or vindictive bone in her body. The worst part for me is that I didn't get to say goodbye. She was there for me in some of the darkest times of my life and I didn't get to hold her or kiss her sweet head one last time.
The only thing I can do at this point is cry and feel things I hate feeling.
I don't know what to do with myself right now but listen to music and hope that I stop feeling sad.
Oddly enough, music isn't really making anything hurt less. All I'm able to do at this point is hear lyrics and chord progressions that describe how I'm feeling and feel worse. I'm hoping that by recording this moment I'll be reminded of how important it is to not dream of tomorrow so I sacrifice the here and now.
Still, it hurts to breathe. Everything seems wrong and it kills me to think that there are people out there who are having the time of their life. It's easy to slip into despair but I believe it's free okay to feel. Too many people write off despair as an unacceptable feeling, but if you never let yourself feel you lose part of your humanity. My problem is that I feel too much and keep it all inside. I rarely allow a feeling to completely overtake my being, but today I was the embodiment of grief.
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