Only Time Will Tell

As performers it can be easy to believe that we are no good because we can't immediately see our progress. I know that if I'm working on a monologue and I'm not getting it to where I want it to be, I'll get frustrated and compare myself to people like Philip Seymour Hoffman or Maryl Streep and wonder why I even try. Other times I'll do well and think "I could do that" while watching Bryan Cranston tear it up on screen. 

I've therefor decided to take some time and work (in a theater) and then decide whether to go to grad school for performance or stage management. There are just too many things I love to do so I think working in the professional world for a time will help me figure things out. I know that it's okay to not know, but I don't want to get into something that I'm not 100% sure of. 

Streetcar

I've been thinking about what I said in my last post quite a bit. I'm still not certain if I'll perform after I graduate, but I do know that I love music and theatre more than most anything else in my life. Take being cast in A Streetcar Named Desire for example: I thought that never in a million years I could actually be cast in a straight play I loved that much. But I was, and to sing no less. It's a beautiful opportunity to showcase my voice in a play I adore. What I've found is that I love the process of creating art almost more than the product. This could be because I like looking forward to things, but it could also be due to my fascination with human possiblity. There is nowhere I'd rather be on a Friday night than in rehearsal going through the motions of creating art with my peers. 

That being said, it is highly possible that I am either meant for small bit parts or being an ASM. Or both. Both is always possible. 

I'm just hoping that I can at least kind of figure it out by the time I have to become a full blown adult with a job in a year. 

Exhaustion

It has been some time since I've posted about things. My brother and I have not had to do our duet since the last post, but I continue to work on my part. I am also in a strange place where I am beginning to question myself as far as my future goes. I am not sure I want to continue performing after I graduate. As strange as that might seem, I have been overwhelmed with confusion and frustration concerning my performances. I am much more confident than I have ever previously been but there are many times when I think, "I don't want to do this anymore" and I don't know what to do with those thoughts. 

It is not a matter of being good enough, it's a lack of performance outside of classroom settings that is getting me down. I don't blame anybody but myself for this. I suppose I'm simply very bogged down by a lot of things going on in my life that I truly cannot afford to cut out. I look forward to the day I do not have to focus all my energy in ten different directions. 

Here's to hoping I get some sort of answer by the end of my time with A Streetcar Named Desire.